Conflict Resolution
by LemonSmoothie
Summary: Based on an episode of "The Office." Xemnas attempts conflict resolution. Petty behavior? Zero productivity? All in a day's work.


"Conflict Resolution"

Based upon "The Office" episode of the same title

Disclaimer: All characters are copyright Square and Disney.

Author's Note: This takes place before the original Kingdom Hearts. Aveluxe, the secretary, also appeared in "Vital Signs" and "Hazed and Confused."

Axel and Xigbar were drunk.

Quite drunk.

"I am a rock! I am an island…" They sang.

Zexion sipped a cup of tea. "Can they sing any louder?" Lexaeus shrugged.

"And the rock feels no pain, and an island never cries…" Axel and Xigbar finished.

Saïx sighed in relief. "Finally. Why don't you two try a little 'the sounds of silence'?"

Xigbar grinned. Axel smirked. "Hello, darkness, my old friend…"

"That was not a request!" Saïx snapped.

"Guess they can sing louder." Lexaeus observed.

Saïx groaned. "Maybe if I got a wig, I could pull my hair out without crying."

XXX

Xemnas was patrolling the castle's office wing. He bypassed Xigbar and Xaldin's shared office, Lexaeus and Zexion, Saïx and Axel, and finally Demyx and Luxord. He stopped before Larxene and Marluxia's shared office. Both Marluxia and Larxene were standing up. Aveluxe, the secretary, was sitting behind the third desk in the room and taking notes.

"That's it, Larxene!" Marluxia said. "I've had it."

"Why are you being such a priss-pants?" Larxene asked. "So I hate it. Who cares?"

"I let you blast your cheesy 80's music in the office all day!"

"What's the problem here?" Xemnas asked.

"Marluxia and Larxene are having a row about a flower in their workspace," Aveluxe explained.

"A poinsettia," Larxene corrected.

"Let's try to find a solution," Xemnas said. "I want you – one at a time – to tell me what you want in 'I' messages. No judging or 'you' statements. Marluxia, you first."

"I have been growing this poinsettia since Christmas, and I feel I'd like to see it every day. Poinsettias symbolize good cheer, hope, and joy…"

"Which is something we cannot feel," Larxene interjected. "It's rubbing in my face what I lack. It's also ugly and tacky and I just want to throw it on the ground and stomp on it."

"I see neither of you is backing down," Xemnas observed.

Larxene put her hands on her hips. "If you want a reminder of your human self, why don't you just hang up a pin-up calendar?"

"I did," Marluxia protested. "You ripped it to shreds!"

Larxene smacked her forehead. "Marluxia, 'Exotic Blooms of Madagascar' is not a pin-up calendar."

"We can resolve this in one of five ways," Xemnas began. "First is lose-lose, in which neither gets what you want."

"Can't we just skip to whatever the fifth one is?" Larxene asked. "I've got a lot of work to do."

"Option five is win-win-win," Xemnas said. "You both are happy, and I win for successfully mediating a conflict in the workplace."

"How about I leave it up?" Marluxia asked.

"How about I fry it?" Larxene countered.

"How about Marluxia has it in the office Monday through Wednesday." Aveluxe suggested.

"That is a compromise," Xemnas said. "And it is not ideal. Hmm…that's it! Larxene wears the flower in her hair, and therefore doesn't have to look at it. And whenever Marluxia looks at Larxene, he can see it. Win-win,"

"Win," added Aveluxe.

XXX

Xemnas and Aveluxe walked to Aveluxe's office together.

Aveluxe tossed her notes in the recycle bin. "We can throw that complaint out."

"Do you ever have to get aggressive with them?" Xemnas asked.

"Xemnas, I usually mediate. All I do is listen. These things have a way of working themselves out. It's like writing someone an angry letter. If you leave it in a drawer for a couple days, chances are you'll never send it."

"What do you know about conflict resolution?"

"You made me the Nobody Resources Specialist."

"Don't make me regret it," Xemnas said. "In this Organization, we're in this until fading do us part. Unless the Corporation absorbs us."

"I'm only human, Xemnas."

Xemnas pointed at the file. "Are those the other complaints?"

"Yes."

"I would like to see those."

"I can't let you see them. They're confidential."

"Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file."

Aveluxe slid the file across the desk. "Fine. Knock yourself out." She reached under the desk and picked up a large cardboard box. This is all Saïx's.

_Aveluxe: Every Friday at 4:00, I have a standing appointment with Saïx for him to file a grievance against Axel. It all goes in here._

XXX

Xemnas looked at the complaints. "This is from Luxord. He says Zexion takes his Earl Grey tea without asking. Xigbar complains that everybody talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright." He smirked. "You'll notice that not a single complaint is against me!"

_Aveluxe: I have a separate file for complaints against Xemnas. This (holds a large file) is from February to May of this year. _

Xemnas addressed everyone else. "How many of you have gone to Aveluxe to file a complaint against someone else?" All raised their hands. "And did you get what you wanted? Or were you merely listened to and forgotten?"

"Merely listened to and forgotten," chorused the others.

"Outrageous! I love this place, and it pains me to see all this negativity festering." Xemnas paused. "Well, it would. Today, we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Larxene, you're in here an awful lot. You have complained about everyone else. Except Axel, which is odd, because everyone else here has had run-ins with Axel. By the way, what does 'redacted' mean? A lot of these complaints are marked 'redacted.'"

"It means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it," Aveluxe explained. "So I took their name off."

"Here is a redacted complaint about Saïx…" Xemnas said. "When Xemnas went on a secret mission, Saïx sat on his throne. Saïx, please refrain from sitting in my seat in the future…"

"Larxene," Saïx whispered. "Thanks for being a bigger bitch than usual."

"Wasn't me," Larxene retorted.

"I find that hard to believe, considering you have problems with everyone else here except Pyro Jack!"

Xemnas continued. "Vexen…wow. You've got a lot of anger here. Luxord borrowed my balance and never returned it."

_Luxord: I meant to, but the guy from the Corporation had four aces. _

"According to Vexen, Lexaeus snores too loud. Can we have his bedroom soundproofed?" Xemnas read.

"I have sleep apnea!" Lexaeus protested.

"Vexen also complains that Axel is insubordinate to him, and that Marluxia tracks dirt on his lab floor."

Marluxia glared. "I have complaints about Vexen, too. But I don't run tattling to the secretary."

"Come on, Marluxia," Vexen said. "It's healthy to get it off your chest."

Marluxia glared. "I once was Aurliam Jardin! I don't back down."

"Whatever," Vexen said, taking a drink of water. "You're arrogant, and pompous, and I don't like you."

"And there's the Axel-Demyx dispute," Xemnas went on. "Demyx, you said Axel's burned your sheet music…"

"Yay!" Everyone else cried.

Xemnas ignored them. "And that Axel's been forcing you to do his drudge work."

"I never said that," Demyx insisted. "Axel and I are close."

"Our offices are close," Axel corrected. "That doesn't make us close."

"Also," Xemnas said. "Xaldin says Demyx cries too much, and that bugs him. And Xigbar complains that Xaldin wears too much cologne."

"So use a clothespin," Xaldin said, reapplying his cologne _Toxin._ The members around him coughed.

"Can we move on?" Xemnas asked. "Axel, you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Aveluxe that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Aveluxe, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Axel that will make him uncomfortable."

"I accept your judgment," Axel said quickly.

Aveluxe palmed her face.

XXX

Six hours later…

"Glad that's over," Saïx said, sitting down at his desk. "What's this?" He asked of the nameplate on his desk.

"A gift from the higher-ups, apparently," Axel said, seating himself.

Saïx snarled. "My name is Saïx, not Fartx."

"Could have fooled me," Axel replied.

Saïx ran to Aveluxe's office. "I have another complaint for Axel's file."

"Talk to Xemnas," Aveluxe said without looking up. "I already gave him the box."

"Box? You just put my complaints in a box! Four years of malfeasance unreported! This cannot stand! XEMNAS!"

XXX

Axel and Saïx sat across from Xemnas.

Xemnas picked up the top complaint. "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Axel. Everyone has called me Silas all day. I think Axel paid them to."

_Axel: Yes! Five hundred munny each, and it was totally worth it! _

Xemnas continued. "Axel ate my bon-bon."

_Axel: It was delicious. I also got doughnuts one day, and only got twelve. Guess who didn't get one. _

Xemnas looked confused. "Today, I hit myself in the head with the phone?"

_Axel: That actually took awhile. I gradually put more and more nickels into his handset, until he got used to the weight. Then I just…took 'em all out._

"Axel squeaks his chair, burps, eats chips loudly, and I have to listen to his pencil scrape until I go berserk."

_Axel: These actually don't sound that funny, one after another. He does deserve it, though._

"By the end of the day, my desk was two feet closer to the door."

_Axel: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day. _

XXX

_Xemnas: When people, and the Nobodies created from people, work together, there is going to be conflict._

"Love will keep us together…" Demyx sang.

"I sincerely hope he's wrong," Lexaeus said to Zexion.

"Xemnas! Axel put my stuff in jello again!" Saïx bellowed, holding a stapler encased in yellow gelatin.

"Why do you always blame me?" Axel asked.

"For the love of Nomura, Xigbar! Will you quit using my cards for target practice?" Luxord cried.

Xigbar looked confused. "Well, what am I supposed to use?"

"Xemnas! Larxene shorted out my twelve-lead EKG!" Vexen complained.

"You stuck a nerve drawing my blood," Larxene replied. "That hurt, you quack."

"Xaldin caused a gale-force hurricane in my garden and destroyed my flowers!" Marluxia whined.

"Well, he knows I'm allergic!" Xaldin folded his arms.

"Oh, Superior. If I may ask a question?" Zexion said.

"I will hear it," Xemnas said.

"I was going over our finances, and I noticed something. Just when were you going to tell Vexen that the money you approved to buy an argon laser was spent months ago? About the same time you got that new plasma TV."

"What?!" Vexen cried. "Superior! You promised!"

"AVELUXE!"

"One at a time, please…"

The End


End file.
